The Awesome Tour of Awesomeness
by yoneld
Summary: Everyone's favorite twins give an awesome tour of Hogwarts! Set after OOTP game.


**The Awesome Tour of Awesomeness (Hogwarts)**

**A/N: **I'm using the film/game 5-6 Hogwarts. Deal with it!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter.

Part One  
Entering to Great Hall

**Fred**: Hi there! I'm Fred Weasley!

**George**: I'm George Weasley!

**Fred**: We know this castle better than anyone –

**George**: Except for our little sister's boyfriend, Harry Potter –

**Fred**: His godfather, Sirius Black –

**George**: His dad, James Potter –

**Fred**: The best Defense against the Dark Arts teacher we ever had, Remus Lupin –

**George**: And the last three's little sidekick and traitor, Peter Pettigrew.

**Gred and Forge**: We will be leading this tour of Hogwarts!

Gates:

**Fred**: These are the Hogwarts gates.

**George**: They lead directly into the grounds and into the castle. Shall we continue, George?

**Fred**: I'd be delighted, Fred.

Hagrid's Hut:

**George**: This is the gamekeeper's hut.

**Fred**: Our gamekeeper is a man named Rubeus Hagrid.

**George**: He's nice enough –

**Fred**: But you don't want to get on his wrong side –

**George**: Which includes insulting Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster.

**Fred**: Yeah, you should see what he did to Igor Karkaroff for spitting at Dumbledore's face.

Stone Circle:

**Muggle**: Hey, how did Stonehenge get here?

**Fred**: What's Stonehenge?

**Muggle**: …

**Gred and Forge**: …

**Muggle**: … nevermind.

**Fred**: This is the Stone Circle!

**George**: If we keep going on this path, we'll get to the Owlery –

**Muggle**: Did he just say Owlery?

**Squib**: Yes, we have pet owls and we use them for mail. Kind of like pigeon post.

**Muggle**: …

**Fred**: But we're going into the castle.

Covered Bridge:

**George**: This is a nice little bridge we have.

**Fred**: It connects the grounds with the castle.

**George**: If anyone tries to invade the castle, we'll blow it up.

**Fred**: Then they'd have to go through the Quidditch Cave –

**George**: Which is not very convenient with the tower at the end –

**Fred**: Which goes into the Training Grounds.

Clock Tower Courtyard:

**George**: This courtyard is where everyone gathers before Hogsmeade trips –

**Fred**: When our caretaker, Argus Filch, lets everyone out.

Clock Tower:

**Muggle**: *faints of shock*

**Muggle's Muggle Wife**: Help! My husband fainted!

**George**: *laughs, points wand at Muggle* _Flipendo_! (**A/N** Yay for non-canon spells!)

**Muggle**: *is knocked over, wakes up* Th-th-th-th-th-the p-p-p-p-p-portrait m-m-m-m-m-moved!

**Fred**: Y-y-y-y-y-yes, i-i-i-i-i-it d-d-d-d-d-did.

**George**: Dashing Cadogan!

**Damara Dodderidge**: Isn't Sir Cadogan dashing? *opens up*

**Muggle's Muggle Wife**: …the bloody hell?

**Fred**: This is a secret passage to the Grand Staircase!

**George**: But I think we'll get there the normal way.

Hospital Wing Corridor:

**Fred**: That was our Clock Tower.

**George**: It shows us the time and rings when it's time for classes.

**Fred**: Last year, Harry Potter and Dean Thomas sabotaged it so Dolores Umbridge couldn't get to classes.

**Old Muggle**: The nerve of young people these days…

Hospital Wing Tower:

**George**: The first spiral staircase we come across!

**Fred**: I assure you that there are plenty more!

**Old Muggle's Even Older Muggle Wife**: …

Fourth Floor Corridor:

**George**: Over here we have a nice little balcony overlooking the Black Lake!

**Old Muggle's Even Older Muggle Wife's Wizard Great-Times-Thirteen-Grandfather**: The Lake of Sea Demons! Look ye not at it, for 'tis a lake of misfortune! This stone monster hath frighted my friend into the lake! *glares at gargoyle on balcony*

**Fred**: What?

**Old Muggle's Even Older Muggle Wife**: Don't mind him, he was born in 1488.

**George**: Figures.

Grand Staircase:

**Fred**: This is the Grand Staircase!

**George**: To get to any adjacent landing –

**Fred**: Simply stand at the side facing that landing and the right staircase will come!

Entrance Hall:

**Fred**: *points at statue* This is the Architect of Hogwarts!

**George**: To the left is the Viaduct Courtyard.

**Fred**: And to the right is the Great Hall!

Great Hall:

**Everyone**: *stuffs their faces*

**A/N**: How was that? Next chapter: Classes!


End file.
